it occurs to me that i am america.

Chuck takes a drag, and he smiles across the space between them. The motion makes Nate raise his arm in the air, so the smoke roams aimlessly, his long legs out across the sheets. Pale feet bare and straight towards the ceiling, toes curled. They haven’t really said anything yet, but he doesn’t mind.

At least, not by the next morning.

Outside the window, New York is burning into night time, and he is listening to Nate make soft, content noises as he falls asleep. He leans over the length and pulls the joint from his fingers. Presses it out on the end table without moving his eyes away.

He would never admit it, never, but he's lucky. There's not many people who can say they've had Nate Archibald in their bed.

***

"You’re such a bastard." Nate says, words tight in his mouth as he digs his fingers into the front of Chuck’s shirt, sliding under the buttons. He kisses Chuck like he’s fighting him, their teeth shifting together, chests bumping.

"You kiss like Blair." Chuck murmurs, and Nate pushes him back, onto the bed.

"Don’t fucking talk about Blair."

Nate moves Chuck how he wants him, rips with trembling fingers at his clothes, and Chuck doesn’t care because he knows that he’s letting him. If he didn’t want this, Nate wouldn’t even be here right now.

When they are both bare in the sterile light of the desk lamp, staring at each other with a sudden, frightened sense of being strangers, Chuck reaches out a hand and kisses Nate as carefully as he can. A neat, practiced motion. Nate tastes like vodka, and his fingers aren’t shaking as he pulls Chuck’s body closer to him, as he presses, and fuck. . .

"We shouldn’t do this." Nate says, like a kid, a second thought.

"There are so many things we shouldn’t do, Nathaniel." Chuck whispers, and he kisses him again.

***

Sometimes, Chuck’s not really sure they’re friends anymore. They go through the same strange, twisted motions, where Chuck does something that Nate finds morally reprehensible and disappears for awhile before ending up, like always, at Chuck’s suite. They might not be like they used to be, but he always comes back for Chuck in the end.

Chuck undresses for him, lets him watch as he pulls off his clothes in the lamplight and stands in front of him with a smile, not quite shy. Nate stands up, a few feet away, watching every movement.

"Lie down." Nate murmurs, and Chuck does so with a smirk, laying on his back and parting his legs, slightly.

"Very traditional position." he says, to the ceiling.

"Don’t speak." Nate says, wryly, from farther away, and Chuck shuts his eyes and waits. A few moment later, he hears the sound of liquid against glass, and he looks up to see Nate holding an open bottle of whiskey. He leans down and holds it to Chuck’s mouth, angling it towards him so it burns down his throat, and he drinks it willingly, never letting his eyes leave Nate’s. When Nate takes it away, he gasps a little, but he doesn’t say anything. Cold fingers run down his side and then he feels the sudden splash of cold liquid, whiskey on his skin, pooling in the concaves of his hips, the dip of his collarbones.

"What. . ." he starts, but then he feels Nate’s lips on his neck, sliding down, then teeth and tongue against his skin. A startled moan, and he moves blindly, rocking his body up to meet air as Nate moves away again. Whiskey slides down his skin, soaking the sheets as Nate moves to straddle his knees, pressing with two hands to keep his hips down. His lips move against Chuck’s stomach, slowly, and Nate makes sure he can’t move as his tongue brushes the length of his cock.

Chuck bites his lip so hard that it bleeds to keep himself from crying out as a warm, wet mouth envelopes him. His vision sparks, and the room smells like sweat and alcohol and Nate, and he is acutely aware that, for all that he fucks up, he would do anything for him. His fingers find Nate’s hair, and he shuts his eyes and lets it happen.

***

"Someday," Nate says, oddly, one night, "I want to love someone unconditionally, just for one. . .one moment. Love them with no reason."

Chuck gives him a very distinct look before sliding his fingers against his cheek and pulling him in for a single, sharp kiss. Nate sighs into him a little as Chuck pulls away, shaking his head.

"You’ve been spending too much time with Dan Humphrey." he says, and Nate’s lips turn into a sudden frown, a smirk if Nate could really smirk. Later, Chuck will say he incited him on purpose, but there’s a look of surprise across his face when Nate forces him against the headboard and kisses him with teeth. This time, Chuck doesn’t let him have his way. He can see in his eyes that he’s got Nate back, and he doesn’t need to spread himself out to his every whim to keep him here. He slides his hands down the slope of Nate’s chest as he kisses him, curling his fingers around his hips and arching into him. Nate cries out, softly, softly.

"Fuck," he whimpers, eyes wide for a moment before they shut, before he lets Chuck push him back onto the bed. He works off his clothes, throwing his shirt across the room and leaving his trousers pooled on the floor. He lets his hand slide across Nate’s cock for a half moment, watching his hips lift from the mattress, before he pulls away. Nate swears and squirms as Chuck barely touches him, as he keeps him on the edge for as long as he can.

"Nothing is unconditional." Chuck says, and he moves his wrist once more so Nate cries out, sharp, and comes.

***

Nate has nightmares, and he won’t tell Chuck what they’re about, but he sleeps against his chest, fingers digging into his skin as he makes frightened, desperate noises. Chuck keeps his arms tight around him and kisses his temple when his legs move vaguely, like he’s running, soothes him with fingers in his hair.

If it was anyone else, anyone but him, he would have left by now.

Nate chokes on his name, in his sleep, and he wakes up with Chuck leaning over him.

"Dreaming about me?" Chuck murmurs, and Nate blinks.

"Don’t be flattered." he replies, then stands up. Chuck watches in silence as he dresses messily and leaves, like always.

-fin-